She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
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HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
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And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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