Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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