My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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