I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
