either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
