why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
