I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
