if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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