I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
