My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
