Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
