Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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