I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
