atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
