My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
