the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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