I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
