I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Houston, we have a blender
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
