1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
where are my pants?
in the oven.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
