Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
