she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
