She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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