I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
