How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
