all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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