You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize