I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
