It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
