Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
