Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
