I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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