Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
