I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
