I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
