Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I wish there were birth control emojis
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
