he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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