I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
