you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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