I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
