I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
