perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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