I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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