His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
