No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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