At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
