seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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