Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ttyl tear gas
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
