I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
