when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
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