What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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