happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Randomize
