Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
