Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
