If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
