I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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