He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
