I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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