apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
