No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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