I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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