I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
