Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
